Journal

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11/27/2003

I'm back from the annual family Thanksgiving thing. Fun... anyhow, it rained... which was nice... but I didn't really get to enjoy it. Now I'm tired... It'd be nice to go to sleep... but I can't. Oh well...

Beverage: nothing

Music: Radiohead - Talk Show Host

Maybe I'm still dreaming

11/27/2003

Well, I ended up sleeping most of yesterday and woke up this morning at 4:50 AM. Happy Thanksgiving... or something. I hate holidays. It's almost 7 AM and I don't really feel like doing anything. I have some sort of family related thing for the holiday today and then I should get back to work on school stuff. I've got a presentation on Monday, three papers to write, and who knows what else. I don't think I'm going to write anything else before December so I think I'll go ahead and post October and November's journal entries. Fun, eh? Right...

Beverage: watered down coke

Music: Frou Frou - Hear Me Out

Update

11/26/2003

I'm one step closer to the big update I've been working on. I think I've got a good idea sketched out now on how I want to implement it. Unfortunately, I'm not really sure when I'll get it finished. Finals are coming up shortly and after that I'll have a little time off to play around with things. Then again, I still have some other projects I need to wrap up.

I ordered a copy of the book "Blood" from Mark Ryden's site earlier. Should be interesting; the dimensions are 2.5" x 3.5". If you don't know his work, you should give it a look: http://www.markryden.com/. Other than that, I bought copies of Amelie and Buffalo '66 on DVD. Exciting, eh? I can't wait until the semester is finally over. I need a vacation. I need to get away from here before I go crazy. I rearranged some furniture the other day... maybe I should move some more. Even though it's not much of a change, it seems to help break up the monotony.

I watched Amelie again and now it's 5:51 am, the day before Thanksgiving, and I don't know what I will end up doing today. I guess it's a mystery, a day like any other. I'll find out soon enough.

Beverage: nothing

Music: Radiohead - Talk Show Host

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11/23/2003

...

Beverage: Dr. Brown's Black Cherry soda

Music: Radiohead - Talk Show Host

Writer's block

11/22/2003

Just as quickly as she had arrived, she left my life and left me feeling abandoned.

I can't seem to write any poetry. Not even bad poetry. Usually I have enough of an emotion to put something together. Right now, everything's just this sickly numb feeling. Writing poetry always seems like a good outlet... but I'm failing miserably at it right now. Oh well, it'll come back to me eventually.

Beverage: water

Music: Radiohead - Talk Show Host

?

11/20/2003

I feel like my brain's swelling in my head, and my stomach feels like it's twisting into a knot. I slept from 11 PM last night until 5:30 PM today. That's not really a good thing.

Beverage: nothing

Music: Radiohead - Talk Show Host

Whatever...

11/19/2003

Well... one paper's done... three more to go? Something about a presentation... and... er... whatever.

Beverage: Coke

Music: Radiohead - Talk Show Host

untitled

11/18/2003

I'm sitting here at 3 in the morning, periodically holding a cup of ice to the top of my head. It's 74 degrees in here and I'm wishing, wishing that it were still in the low 50's... 40's would be wonderful. I even went so far as to find a fan, plug it in, and aim it at my chair. My research paper is currently a large jumble of crap that I'm trying to organize into something cohesive so that I can finally be done with it. I was going to go take a walk in the rain, yes it rained today... very hard for quite a long time... but it stopped when I walked outside. So... I wandered around for maybe twenty minutes hoping it would start back up... but I guess I'm out of luck at the moment. I need a vacation. I need a vacation from my life. I need to go somewhere, anywhere, and just do anything other than what I've been doing for the past three weeks. Hmm... my ice appears to be melting a little too quickly... and it happens that the ice maker is screwed up and what I've got now is probably all the ice I'll see unless I decide to take a trip out to Wal-Mart at 4 am for a bag of ice. I stuck some bottles of water in the freezer... so hopefully it'll be sufficiently cold to keep me from dying of a heat stroke... ha ha ha. Right. I almost did that once... ended up passing out and waking up to the worst sunburn I've ever had, my eyes were crusted shut, I had no idea where I was, and the only thing on my mind was nausea and feeling like I was on fire. Okay... so... yeah... ever since then, I've becoming less and less fond of sunlight and heat. I went back down to the freezer in hopes that my bottles of water were beginning to freeze. An hour into it and they're just cold. However, I did unearth a treasure from behind some very old and probably inedible frozen food. I found a bucket thing from an ice cream/sorbet maker. It's a thick metal bucket filled with some sort of gel... anyhow... it's ice cold and fairly large. Right now... I've got my feet on it and my socks are frozen to it... very nice. I think it's time that I go back to writing the research paper.

My head hurts... I'm pretty sure that I'm sick... or my brain's just not capable of dealing with anything right now and it's punishing me for trying to think. Yeah... that's probably it. Although, I haven't been feeling all that great lately. Maybe I am sick. Good news though... my inaccurate dynamic calendar web page (that I put together a few years ago) tells me that it's seven days until thanksgiving vacation. Woo... I'll have more projects to work on. If I do get to go on a vacation... maybe I should try to make sure that I won't have access to a computer while I'm there. I just glanced back at the calendar... 22 days until the end of the semester? That can't be right... although... it does look like three weeks is correct. I don't want to think anymore... about anything. My face feels really warm even after having a cup full of ice pressed against it... ugh...

Four more minutes and then it's 5 AM. My feet still haven't managed to freeze solid and the swimming sickness of my head plays on.

Beverage: flat Coke

Music: Radiohead - Talk Show Host

It rained...

11/17/2003

It rained nearly all of last night. I think I needed it to rain. I took a break from working on my research paper and went outside. I just stood there on my front steps and listened to it for maybe an hour. It was well after midnight and there wasn't anyone around. Just standing out in the cold listening, the rain falling down around me, wishing I knew more than I do. After that I came back in, shut down every computer except for this one, and opened up a window.

No matter what I've done lately, I can't seem to stop thinking about Wendy, even when I hear the rain. I haven't really seen or talked to her in two weeks. When I first met her, I hadn't even known her for more than a day and I already counted her as a friend. She's been a very good friend to me and I feel like that's slipping away. I don't want to lose it; I don't want to lose her. She made me feel as if I was actually alive... and I don't want to die, I don't want to die and I don't want to lose her.

Beverage: flat Coke

Music: Radiohead - Talk Show Host

untitled

11/16/2003

Today was a much better day than I thought it would be. I slept a lot longer than I had expected and just stayed in bed for maybe half an hour after I woke up. Since then, I've been working on a research paper. It started raining a while ago, and that always seems to cheer me up.

I don't know why I feel so attached to Wendy, but I know I love every minute I spent with her. If you're reading this Wendy, I wish you the very best.

Beverage: Coke

Music: The Cure - Love Song

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11/15/2003

I can't do this anymore... It's all my fault, every stupid unhappy moment in my life has been my fault. I've destroyed every meaningful relationship I've ever had. Every time I think I'm happy, I do something to screw it up. It's not intentional, but it keeps happening... over and over and over. Maybe I've never been happy, maybe I was just delusional.

Beverage: Coke

Music: Radiohead - Black Star

Empty

11/15/2003

I miss Wendy. I still haven't had an opportunity to give her the presents I bought. Maybe I'll hang on to them and give them to her for x-mas if I can get it to work out... if not, no big deal. I saw her last week on campus and she really didn't seem happy to see me... Other than that, I cleaned up more and read more to take my mind off of her.

I'm about half way through the 4th Harry Potter book now. The research paper is coming along slowly and I've got one real day left to finish it. Joy. I also need to write another poem for my poetry class. I'm thinking I'll take the second of the two bad ones I wrote last week, finish it up, and turn it in.

Beverage: Coke

Music: Placebo - This Picture

Yeah...

11/14/2003

I've decided to temporarily pull the main page to the site. Most of the content's still up, now it's just inconvenient to access anything without linking in from somewhere. I'm thinking I might pull a lot more out sometime soon. I needed to overhaul the site anyway... I've been saying it for what seems like... oh... years? I'm going to kill the online store, the discussion board, the free design link, maybe some other things. Hmm... Okay, I just killed a couple of pages by replacing them with a placeholder page. If I had more time, I might swap out some more. Heh...

I need to simplify my life... I need to just start throwing things away... everything. My stomach hurts and it almost feels like it would be nice to vomit right now, at this moment. It's amazing that you can live so long without feeling as if you've ever really lived. Maybe a few brief moments... I used to have stories to tell, things that I've done... now it seems as if I have nothing. I feel like I could tear my insides out or possibly that my insides want to tear me out. Maybe I'm not hurting; maybe I'm just hurt. I think I've lost my mind. I think I'm just here, just sitting here, freaking out, and nothing's ever going to change.

Beverage: Coke

Music: Placebo - Something Rotten

untitled

11/13/2003

Sometimes I really feel as if I don't have any friends. Okay, I feel that way most of the time. I really don't have a social life and I can't seem to do anything about it. I don't know what to do with my life... the walls just seem to be closing in and I'm here, trapped inside my mind. I honestly don't think I'll ever actually fit in anywhere. I'm depressed all of the time with a few rare exceptions... and as soon as those flicker out (and they always seem to), I'm left feeling worse than before. I don't know what to do... I don't know what to do with myself and with my life. I have no motivation any more. I have no ambition, no drive, and any time I find anything that seems worth while, anything that makes me smile and think that things are okay again, it tears me apart. I feel like I could cry but I just sit here, staring into the darkness, waiting for the hours to pass, waiting for tomorrow because it's the only thing that I have, waiting for the walls to cave in. Maybe tomorrow will be better... maybe something good will happen.

Beverage: Coke

Music: Placebo - Slave to the Wage

Whatever...

11/11/2003

Okay, so... 11 days go by, something must have happened, right? Here's what you've been missing out on. I heard from an old friend from high school, I figured something bad would happen... I mean, something bad always happens any time something good and/or out of the ordinary happens, my friend Jennifer's dad died (I was shocked as I thought the bad thing would be something else), I wrapped up some presents I bought for Wendy, Wendy broke up with me in an odd sort of way (this is more along the lines of what I was expecting) and it seemed to make sense at the time (the presents are just going to sit in the back of my car until I can find an appropriate situation to give them to her), I helped my sister's fiancée with some computer problems (the joys of SATA?), I worked on school stuff, I read two Harry Potter books (Wendy bought me the first one for my birthday and I read them both mostly to take my mind off of her), I worked on more school stuff, put off writing my paper because I've been depressed and had other things that seemed to involve less thought as I wasn't doing a great job of thinking at the time, I talked to my friend Shannon for the first time in who knows how long, I went to see the new Matrix movie (glad that's over with because it was horrible), I wrote a really long run on sentence/list of all the crap I've done this month (and you're reading it now), saw a torched vending machine and took photos that I might consider posting here, cleaned up some stuff that's been crowding my floor since maybe March or so, opened a window so that I could listen to the wonderful sounds of nature (also known as gas powered lawn care equipment)... actually I opened the window for some fresh air but got more than I bargained for... finished two crappy poems for my poetry class that I had to force myself to write due to the whole not wanting to think situation, downloaded a dictionary file so that I can use grep to aid in my paper and poetry writing (I'm pathetic... but it really is useful, really... it is... see... type in a pattern and get a list back of all the matches... great for finding rhyming words and whatnot...), I turned in one of the really crappy poems to my poetry class and told some people to not read it due to it being quite horrible, ... I... uh... think I slept some... and... ooh... I had a bagel with cream cheese for lunch. Right. I'd love to work on that great big update I've been planning for the site, but I just don't have time. The current agenda is a 15 page paper, a 5 page paper, a 3 page paper, another 3 page paper, another 3 page paper, a test I'm likely to fail, some sort of presentation, and I'm quite sure that I'm forgetting some things. Ugh... I need to write all of those papers by the end of this weekend. All I really want right now is 33 degree weather with lots of rain so that I can freeze properly without this sunny-over-sixty headache that I'm currently experiencing. Oh joy... I've apparently hit 100 pages on this thing and I'm in no mood to celebrate. Yeah, so... leaving for class in three minutes and then I'll be back in four hours, and then I will need to write at least five pages a day until Monday. I'll probably end up writing it all on Sunday.

Beverage: watered down Coke

Music: The Cardigans - Marvel Hill