Journal

Well...

04/25/2004

Well, to be honest, I haven't had much to write about this year. A lot of things have happened and at the same time, things just seem to stay the same. I finally took my parents up on their offer for a graduation present. So, sometime a week or two ago I ordered a Canon EOS Digital Rebel. I hadn't had much time to try it out when my friend Melissa needed some help with a new computer. Taking that opportunity, I spent a day with her and brought along the camera. Since then, I think I've filled up six CD's worth of photos. I'm starting to see some advantages of having a DVD writer. Then again, I think I'll stick it out with CD-R's a while longer. Right, so I now have a digital camera, which is a big change for me. I've always felt that 35mm film was superior and I still feel that way. However, I generally scanned in my prints after getting them developed. Then next logical step was to file the prints away in a box. Not only is that a costly process, but it also takes a lot of physical space. It's a lot easier to file away a few thousand files than it is to do the equivalent with 80lbs of photographic prints. Needless to say, the camera has consumed a bit of my time. So, that's essentially two weeks worth of what I've been up to. Ordered the camera, got it, and took some photos.

What else have I been occupying my time with? Programming, what else? There were other things, just not very memorable things. I'll dig a little and see if I can think of some things. In the mean time, I'll mention my car. See... I'm a bit of a shut-in and I rarely go anywhere unless I have a reason. My own personal entertainment isn't a good reason unless there are other people involved. Since I'm being antisocial in 2004, my car decided to die due to neglect. Thankfully, it was just the battery and not a pet or a child and therefore, it's only a crime against my social life... or something. I keep pissing off my friend (is she still my friend?) Marisa who was under the impression that I could be convinced to drive her around. I know, I'm horrible and I'm going to end up losing the few friends that I still have. Yet, it's probably all for the best and I'm sure I could come up with a long list if given enough time and sufficient motivation (such as someone asking... don't ask). Speaking of friends, I deleted all of the comments people left for me on Friendster and set my account to only allow 3rd tier people to view it. First, Wendy's comment disappeared so I figure she deleted it and that the other ones just didn't seem the same sans hers. Second, I was getting these weird messages through the site supposedly from women in Asian countries. Right. I hope that clears up that little problem.

Hmmm... in other news, I've tried and found myself unable to write any poetry. I'm really glad I took that poetry writing class last year as I'd be pretty much screwed if I were in it now. For a while there, I was turning out around three a week. Granted, most of my poems are laughable, some intentionally so. I'm not sure if there's any relationship between the quality and the frequency. I suppose if I were really bored some day, I could go back and check the date stamps on the files and find out. I can't imagine being bored enough and simultaneously motivated enough to ever attempt that. Ah, I know, another topic from nowhere to fill the awkward silence... except that this is completely silent... since it is text after all. This site. Right. See... I've been meaning to implement that new layout and I thought I had it ready to go. Then the amazing people that put together Mozilla had to release the 1.7 beta which changed the way the new template rendered. I'm pretty sure they're following the standards and that it's my markup that's a bit off. A release candidate's out now so I need to check it again and see if anything else changed. I could probably go ahead and make the changes, not worry about problems, and just get it uploaded. It's just one of those things... If I were really motivated, I could have it together in a few hours. I just don't seem to have the motivation. Actually, I have this excessively long list of things I'd like to add to the site and it would be collecting dust if it were not typed out in an assortment of text files. I'm not sure where all of that motivation went, but it appears to be gone for the time being. Maybe I was right all along with a little theory I've had for half a dozen years. Essentially, it appears that I become disinterested with any subject I take a class in. Not that I mean completely disinterested, it's just that whatever awe, passion, joy, etc. that I felt for the topic seems to dissipate. Examples: graphic design, biology (I think I had most of my textbook in high school memorized), web design (I knew I shouldn't have taken those), Japanese stuff (anime, Nihongo, etc...), technical illustration, I don't know, there's probably a lot more and I'd rather not think about it. Thankfully, I've never taken a photography class, even though I would love to. There's either never been time or one wasn't offered when I could take one. So, I'm still in the clear on that one which means the new digital camera shouldn't have an opportunity to collect dust in the foreseeable future.

More random thoughts: I'm not sure if I mentioned this previously, but at some point this year, I heard a Delerium song at a Home Depot... "After All" and I heard it twice. What's up with that? It freaked me out... I mean, think about it... what type of music do they play at a Home Depot? From my experience, they usually go with light pop and 80's stuff. What is this world coming to? Oh yeah, well... so... I guess they're headed down that road, yet I thought of something... Whoever picks out the music for Home Depot must have a thing for Leah Nash. See... it's a brilliant theory. I know I've heard at least half a dozen songs with her vocals while shopping there. Has to be the reason, it's the only thing I could come up with and as bizarre and pointless as it was, I felt the need to try and find a rational explanation other than having Delerium relocated to being just another song in Home Depot's soundtrack. (Side note: They tend to play better music than anywhere else I frequently find myself. Kudos for that supposed Leah Nash fan. Okay, I'm probably deluding myself... it's more likely that they pick the music based on market research and customer demographics.)

Included for your viewing pleasure:

Random digital camera shots.

More random thoughts... I need to create some sort of a poll script so I can get people's opinions. Perfect, now I have one more excuse to delay the overhaul of this site. Seriously though, it's a great idea, everyone else has one, and I'm feeling left out. I just can't help but fall for peer pressure. Right, that's enough senseless banter. There's more where this came from so I might as well try to space things out, lest you think I'm going to keep this pace up and end up disappointing all two of you that actually read this thing. Yeah, so there... or something.

Beverage: water

Music: Delerium - Duende

Did you ever play that Sega arcade game "Altered Beast" back in the 80's?

04/04/2004

Okay, so I disappeared for a couple of months. Maybe I died, maybe it wasn't permanent. In any event, I worked on the site layout last night since I'm back on the 50/16 hour wake/sleep cycle. I've come to the conclusion that I'm only creative and/or productive when I haven't slept for at least a full day. Give me three days without sleep and I'd probably write half a dozen poems and knock a few lines off of my ever-expanding to-do list. It's just the way it works I suppose. Well, it's amazing how months of your life can pass by without so much as a sharp stabbing pain in the head or taking the time to pretend that things are as they always have been. I don't know what to think about that, so I'm not going to.

I've talked to a couple of old friends recently, and all I'm getting is that I've lost touch with what it means to be a person... what it means to be alive. Ever have something happen that is so unbelievable that you find yourself wondering if it was actually a dream. Then, after you finally had yourself convinced that it was real, you find that your "proof" is the least believable story you've ever told yourself. Think of it, staring yourself down in a mirror and knowing that there is no way that it ever happened. Right, so... allow a couple of months to elapse, the weather changes with the season, you wake up one night and it's all been a dream. It is all a dream. I'm asleep and I can't wake up from this twisted assemblage of events both real and imagined. There is no sun when I awake, only the burning void of darkness to peer out into. Well, that and the streetlights, the hum of electricity from the streets and neighbors' houses that only dissipates in a freak power outage. Maybe that's where I am, the lights have gone out and I'm waiting for them to discover the squirrel that chewed through the lines only to render itself into the smoking black icon for everything that could ever be so wrong. I'm asleep and I can hear you thinking, hear the steady pulse of your life beating into me these facts of fantasy that mean so much and yet that prove to elude my comprehension.

Sun Down

I am wavering,

my thoughts wane

for finite moments that tick by,

each second, each minute

as the hands continue to circle, circle

my morose and mundane existence

while I, I sit this one out

as I would any other day.

Beverage: nothing

Music: Radiohead - Karma Police